Category: Advice & Tips

Why extra marital affairs could be right

Your wedding vows talk about a lifetime together, a life of unwavering loyalty, one of getting old together, through good and bad times. But as years pass by, that spurt of love turns into monotony.
This is when you discover the glitches in your ‘happily ever after’. And then enters the one we call an extra marital affair. Most of the times, he is the one who is also married.You both enter in it for fun and presume that you both can handle this relationship without disturbing your married lives. This special one makes you feel the soul connect with great sex, compassion and understanding that seemed to have gone missing from your marriage. Life suddenly becomes perfect again.

Esther Perel, a famous author and therapist addressed a gathering recently where she spoke extensively about the term infidelity. She said, “An affair brings together three key elements: a secretive relationship, which is the core structure of an affair; an emotional connection to one degree or another; and a sexual alchemy. And alchemy is the key word here, because the erotic frisson is such that the kiss that you only imagine giving, can be as powerful and as enchanting as hours of actual lovemaking. As Marcel Proust said, it’s our imagination that is responsible for love, not the other person.”
The one thing that people entering extra marital affairs underestimate the most is their emotions. And this changes the dynamics of the affair faster than they know. Sexual emotions are the strongest human emotions there can be and they can make you vulnerable to a degree that you can’t fathom at the beginning.

And this is when, the same affair that appeared like your redemption at first turns ugly. On condition of anonymity, Kanika shares, “I fell neck deep in love with this guy I met over a work meeting. When he abruptly ended the affair because I wanted more out of it, I wondered why I philandered. My husband never stopped loving me and I have an ever so adorable toddler, then why?”

Delhi-based life coach Ramon Lamba explains, “Men and women are wired differently. In case of a woman’s brain, sex and love are wired together, while in men, love means love and sex means sex. They rarely confuse the two. Sadly, the way woman handles an extra-marital affair is troublesome. For them, the affair starts by fulfilling emotional needs and then they start taking them very seriously. Most affairs end due to mismatch of emotional and sexual needs.”

Surprisingly, when we enter an affair, most often than not, we are not turning away from our partner but from the person that we have become over time. In general, the life of an extra-marital affair is not too long. It can last from a few months to maybe a few years. Dr Rashi Ahuja, counseling psychologist at ePsyClinic.com explains, “Every relationship has a honeymoon period. This period is all about feeling alive, feeling loved and wanted. And after this period ends, it starts to get boring. The same holds true for extra marital affairs.”

 And there are times when these affairs make you see ‘good’ in your married partner. “Most married people entering an affair compare their spouses to the person, sometimes leading to a situation where they are reminded of traits that they once adored in their married partners,” adds Dr Rashi.
Not all affairs are about getting over life’s monotony or a craving for being desired. Some affairs are karmic. Ramon elaborates, “There are times when you meet someone outside the marriage and you instantly feel the connect. It is not a sexual attraction at first but you feel an intense pull towards that person. They are basically souls with whom you have unfinished business. You will experience a constant thirst to be with that person and you won’t find peace unless you indulge in that person in some way.”
You like it or not, affairs are here to stay. As we read this, they are happening at your workplace, in your neighbourhood and maybe somewhere in your family too. And whenever they end, they will not only end up in hurt or betrayal but in lessons. Lessons of growth and discovery.

What I’ve learned from my first long term relationship: having a sexy partner is important

 

Finding your partner sexy is really important. It’s also more of a personality trait than something physical. I think we downplay sexiness too much when it comes to serious relationships, but if your partner isn’t sexy to you at all, your sex life will suffer. I physically thought my partner was attractive, but he dressed terrible and wasn’t confident. This completely turned me off. It was to the point where I didn’t want to kiss him and we could barely even have sex because I was turned off.

Then my next boyfriend, who I only dated for a few months, was sexy as hell. We were very exclusive, he was only into me, he didn’t play women, but he was confident and knew what he was doing and that people found him attractive. He said he loved my confidence as well. He also had bacne and some loose skin from losing weight, I don’t want you to think you need to be perfect to be sexy.

While there is a physical component, it is mostly personality. Like if Jared Leto had the mentality that no one liked him and he was awkward and put me up on a pedestal, I wouldn’t be into it. I’m not into cockiness either, but you should both be confident.

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Intimate Sex: An Illustrated Guide

How to get him in the mood

If your partner is male, most of the ideas we’ve discussed so far will work a treat for getting him in the mood!

Things like:

  • Giving him a sensual massage
  • Preparing a little taste test
  • Feeding him some of his favorite food

But where do you go from there?

Once he’s nice and relaxed, simply talking with him can work wonders.

Show your vulnerability by broaching the topics of your sexual likes and dislikes, ask him to share his and see whether the conversation goes.

If sex is on the cards, oral sex is an incredibly intimate way of showing him how much you care.

If you’re looking for specific ideas, we suggest a kneeling blowjob position known as ‘The Boss Chair’.

The Boss Chair

 

Here’s what to do:

  • Have your guy sit on a sofa or recliner and gently encourage him to undress, the slower the better. Stare into his eyes as you help him unbuckle his belt and slide off clothing, before gently spreading his legs.
  • Taking a small cushion or pillow, kneel between his legs and start stroking his inner thighs. To send him into overdrive, reach up and fondle his nipples while simultaneously kissing his testicles.
  • Gently hold his shaft in your hands and start stroking up and down. The actual mechanics of giving a blowjob will depend on his preferences – ask him whether he likes it deep and fast, or gently and slowly.
  • For extra stimulation, you can swirl your tongue around the head of his penis while fondling his testicles. To heighten the sense of intimacy, try to maintain eye contact throughout. He’ll not only find this incredibly erotic, but it helps maintain communication too. Blowjobs are far more intimate if you make sure he knows he is the sole focus on your attention and affection.

If you’d prefer, you can try a standing variation of this position, known simply as ‘The Elevator’.

 

How to get her in the mood

If your partner is female, helping her build her arousal levels is a breeze when you follow the advice in this guide.

She’ll love things such as:

  • Thoughtfully preparing a delicious meal or taste test
  • Feeding her some new or exciting food
  • Giving her a sensual massage
  • Showing your vulnerability and interest by discussing your likes, dislikes, and fantasies and listening to hers

So where do you take things from there?

A frank, open discussion about sexual preferences is a natural prelude to sex.

After kissing, you can move to fondle and suggest giving her oral sex.

Going down on your woman is an especially intimate way of expressing your love and desire for her.

If she’s open to it, we suggest a tender position known as ‘The One Up’.

The One Up

 

Here’s what to do:

  • Have your woman sit on a sofa or on the edge of a bed and gently encourage her to undress slowly and sensually. Take a small cushion or pillow and kneel on the floor while staring into her eyes as you tenderly help her slide off her clothing.
  • Gently lift up one of her legs and encourage her to loop her hands under her thigh. Start by stroking and caressing her erogenous zones such as her inner thigh before kissing and nibbling up towards her clitoris.
  • This position causes her hips to tilt and puts her clitoris in the perfect position for cunnilingus. To make it all the more intimate, focus on looking up at her as you start kissing, stroking and licking her clitoris. As you go down on her, she’ll be able to help add some movement and guide you to the perfect spot.
  • To make this position truly intimate, make sure she knows that she’s the center of your attention. Communicate throughout by asking her what she likes or dislikes and perhaps by asking her to show you. For example, some women are especially sensitive down one side of their clitoris, so she may prefer to swap legs and guide your mouth and tongue into the perfect position.

The One Up is one of the most intimate oral sex positions as it encourages face-to-face communication and lets you maintain eye contact.

Try placing a small cushion or pillow under her head, she’ll be able to gaze down on you as you pleasure her.

Top 3 intimate sex positions to try out

While oral sex may lead to one, or both partners, achieving orgasm, most couples will use it as foreplay that leads to penetrative sex. Here is a step-by-step guide to the top three sex positions that maximize levels of intimacy.

The C.A.T.

 

The acronym C.A.T. stands for ‘Coital Alignment Technique’ and is one of the most intimate sex positions ever.

The C.A.T offers the face-to-face contact that most women crave, plus it all but guarantees strong clitoral stimulation.

According to the Journal of Sex and Marital Therapy, over 70 percent of women can orgasm with this technique!

As a variation of the standard missionary position, the C.A.T. is fairly easy to perform and has a great success rate. Here’s how to do it:

  • She lies on the bed, and he lays on top to assume the standard missionary position. But instead of being chest-to-chest, he puts his chest further up and over her left or right shoulder.
  • She bends one of her legs at a 45-degree angle. This will push the base of his shaft into direct contact with her clitoris.
  • As he thrusts in and out, she can rock back and forth for greater stimulation.

The Horny Mantis

 

 

The Horny Mantis, also known as ‘Gift Wrapped,’ is one of the most intimate, relaxing sexual positions that you need to know!

With her arms and legs wrapped around her lover’s body, this position encourages feelings of tenderness and lovingness that is sure to help foster intimacy.

Here’s how it’s done.

  • Both partners lie on their sides and face each other.
  • She lifts one of her legs and he slides between her legs and enters her.
  • She wraps her legs around his waist and her arms around his upper back.
  • He thrusts and rocks until one or both partners climax.

This extremely relaxing and intimate position offers very deep penetration while letting her adjust the depth of her partner’s thrusts using her legs.

The Cowgirl

 

The Cowgirl, or ‘Woman on top’ position, is great for intimacy as it’s simple to do and easy to get right. It gives her face-to-face contact for a deepened sense of intimacy.

Oh, and did we mention it’s awesome for both G-spot and clitoral stimulation?

Here’s how to master the Cowgirl position like a pro:

  • He lies down on the bed and she straddles his body to maneuver into position.
  • After he enters her, she has almost complete control over the depth and speed of the thrusts.
  • As an alternative to up and down thrusting, rocking backward and forwards works just as well. A rocking motion produces great stimulation as her clitoris and vulva rub against his pubic bone.
  • She can even remain static while he thrusts up into her.

Crazy ways to supercharge every sex session

Mind-blowing sex is a great opportunity to build intimacy with your partner. And what better way to do this than by supercharging your sex session?

According to a recent Australian study, only around a third of women can orgasm through regular sex.

So here are three ways that will send your lovemaking off the chart.

These techniques will help both partners achieve mind-numbingly great orgasms time and time again, supercharging their intimacy levels.

1. Tease her ilioinguinal nerve

At the top of your woman’s inner thigh, you’ll find her ilioinguinal nerve, and this is one of the most powerful nerves in her entire body.

The ilioinguinal nerve responds best to light kisses so you’ll want to slowly and gently kiss your way upwards from her inner knee to towards the top of her inner thigh.

One of the best positions to do this is called the ‘Lazy Girl,’ also known as ‘Heir to the Throne.’

While this doesn’t provide the same face-to-face opportunity as the One Up position we described earlier, it’s perfect if you want to see her writhe in ecstasy!

Here’s how to do it:

  • She sits on a chair and you gently encourage her to part her legs.
  • Taking a small cushion or pillow, you kneel on the floor between her legs.
  • You start with, you’ll want to begin with a gentle foot massage and then start showering her calves with little kisses and gentle nibbles.
  • As you reach her knee, begin stroking, licking and sucking her inner thigh area to stimulate her ilioinguinal nerve.
  • When you reach her vulva, start stimulating her vagina and clitoris with your mouth and tongue using light circular motions.
  • Try to ask her what feels good and let her know that she’s the center of your universe.

 

The Lazy Girl is perfect for intimacy as she’ll be able to see you between her legs.

You can try this position on any seat, sofa or bed and it works great on a swivel chair too!

2. Try the Lying Mantis for a shared experience

The act of simultaneously giving and receiving pleasure helps create the perfect conditions for intimacy to flourish.

The Lying Mantis, also known as the Sideways Sixty-Nine position, is simply the standard ‘Sixty Nine’  position which you can try on BRITISH SEX FINDER with you both laying on one side.

Here’s how it’s done:

  • She lies on the bed while he lies down with his head towards his lover’s vagina.
  • She parts her legs as he goes down on her.
  • He moves his hips until he’s in the perfect position for a blow job.

 

This position is more relaxing than the ‘Sixty Nine’ position and leaves both partners with one free hand with which to stroke and stimulate the other person’s body.

3. Try the Legs Up to maximize pleasure

The ‘Legs Up’ position, also known as the ‘Fusion,’ ‘Getting a Leg Up,’ or the ‘Leg Up,’ is one of the best overall positions for both partners to achieve maximum pleasure.

And, when pleasure levels rise, intimacy is bound to follow.

Here’s the lowdown on mastering the Legs Up:

  • Sit on the bed facing each other with your legs forward.
  • Put your arms back to support your weight and then move your hips closer together.
  • He spreads his legs and she maneuvers on top, putting her hips between his spread legs.
  • As she moves onto his shaft, she can lift her legs onto his shoulders and start rocking back and forth.

The Legs Ups is unbeatable for intimacy as you’re pleasuring each other in a facing position.

You can communicate about what feels good, what you like and what you don’t like.

This face-to-face position not only generates maximum pleasure with a simple motion, but it’s great for intimacy and eye-contact, helping foster a stronger bond.

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Advice for anyone having an extra-marital affair

Advice for anyone having an extra-marital affair

It happens and it really stinks. You’ve been married for years and suddenly you find yourself attracted to somebody else. Maybe he or she works in your office; maybe you even met them at church.

A long conversation turned into a test-flirt that got rewarded and then the touch of a hand and pretty soon you’re talking about how to navigate some pretty serious deception. Maybe you never thought it would go this far or you planned on stopping it before it reached this point but … you didn’t and now you’re cheating on your spouse.

Feelings begin to take hold based on a host of reasons, and some of them are purely biological. Some feelings are as light as the common cold, some as serious as a fatal disease. The problem is, the longer you follow the feeling the more the brain becomes awash with an “insane” logic that seems to make sense. Many feel like their brain has been awakened and their spirit revived, yet while bearing the tsunamis of guilt and shame.

Developing attraction or romantic feelings for someone other than your spouse happens in almost every relationship. Hopefully it’s rare, but it’s normal. Pursuing those feelings, however is harmful and incredibly destructive to people you care about. The irony is that while trying to bring love to that new person, you actually bring them harm. The pursuit involves hiding, manipulation, and lying; the very things you will later despise in yourself and distrust in the other.

If you have children, you’re not present because you’re spending every possible moment with the affair partner or obsessing about the next time you can. And then there is the 5 to 6 years of living hell you go through after you’re found out, even if you don’t get divorced. You may not have gotten into it on purpose but that is how you get out of it; on purpose.

When we begin to develop feelings for somebody else, it’s a great indicator some serious attention needs to be paid to our marriage. If you’ve not acted on anything, shut the inappropriate relationship down and be intentional about finding the spark in your marriage again. If this sounds extreme, imagine your spouse’s response if they knew what was going on.

If you’re already having an affair, you probably feel terrible but are having trouble stopping and have no idea what to do. We know this is extremely painful and want you to know some things you can do:

1.

    1. First of all come to terms with the fact this is going to be difficult and it’s going to hurt, but there will be life again.

2. Open up with God and own everything that you’ve done. When I confess without excuses I begin to feel God’s mercy.

3. To walk away from an affair you need to know something you are walking toward; something that is more important to you than that which you are afraid of losing in yourself when you leave. For instance if you felt you could only be your “real self” with your affair partner, walk through the fear of doing that with your spouse now. Yes, it may shake things up but not any worse than having an affair.

4. Talk to a counselor, a trusted pastor, or a real friend and ask for help now. This will make an immense difference and you will feel relief. A trustworthy person can help you do what you probably won’t do alone.

5. My guess is you have stopped being honest with your spouse about what’s not working in your relationship and you fear the conflict, or the silence, if you are. Consequently, you have taken your real self and real needs out of the marriage and that’s a problem. This is where a counselor can create the safety to help you be honest and to hear each other.

6. If you don’t learn how you are contributing to the problem, you will repeat it. Each of us brings our own wounds to the marriage that impact it much more than we can imagine. Invite your spouse to tell you how you contribute to their hurt and loneliness and then listen. It is amazing how people can drop their walls when they feel heard.

7. Stop deceiving yourself and others. When we are in the middle of a deception, we have usually told so many lies that we don’t know how to get back to the truth. The beginning of honesty with others is to first be honest with ourselves.

8. Let the pain that you feel in the absence of the affair partner call you to take a step into the mystery of God’s very real and inexhaustible love. This is not just religious babble. A short book by Henri Nouwen called The Inner Voice of Love is very helpful with this.

9. Tell your spouse the truth. I know this brings you panic because you have no idea how it will turn out. A counselor or experienced pastor is invaluable to help with this.

10. Stay humble and repent through the backlash. Defending yourself or blaming only fuels more anger and increases the chance that you’ll actually believe your defense.

The only thing that can make this situation worse is to heap on more deception. The truth just needs to come out and be dealt with. This is going to cost you and those you love a great deal, but dealing with it now and being honest will be the first step in reestablishing broken trust. Getting caught is going to make it much, much worse. If you walk through this honestly and humbly, you will uncover the meaning of integrity and will find you like yourself better, as will others.